Acceptance Learned at Sunrise

I come from a long line of alcoholics but everyone in my family (both my mother and father's sides) has always been able to maintain the appearance of normalcy while being either an alcohol drug abuser if not a full blown alcoholic or addict.

As I partied my way through college and Law School, I knew my using was different but I guess I figured as long as I was able to continue on with my career (and of course I had grown up around functional alcoholics) then I did not need any kind of intervention into my lifestyle.

Countless promises to myself were broken as I attempted to quit again and again.  My quality of life diminished so drastically to the point that I was practicing law and drinking and nothing else.  I had no relationship with a woman worth speaking of and I was isolating from my friends and family.

High Functioning Alcoholic Phase Ends

Finally, I started to lose my ability to continue my family's proud tradition of denial and living as a high functioning alcoholic.  My weekend drinking binges were continuing into the week (and into the courtroom).

I was quickly approaching becoming a "non functional alcoholic." The thing was that keeping up the appearances and living a lie were killing me.  I was racked with anxiety and depression.  I became paranoid.  I was afraid of heights.  I found myself talking to myself.  My hands shook and shook.

When Accepting Help Finally Becomes Less Painful than Living in Denial

Finally, I did it.  I got the help of a professional drug treatment counselor.  I had kept up appearances of success to the outside world so well that my friends and loved ones actually doubted that I was an alcoholic (wow if they only saw me between 5PM on Friday straight through Monday morning).

Acceptance of a Better Lifestyle

My addiction counselor in St. Louis Tib Albach recommended that I go out to Sunrise Recovery to "dry out" and learn how to live a life sober.

I was surprised when I got to Sunrise that there was a heavy emphasis on Alcoholics Anonymous.  I had been exposed to this program and had actually written it off - not because I didn't think it was a good program but more because I thought I was too hopeless to use it (almost as though I was too much of a "defective" to benefit from AA).

I of course was going to follow the direction of the staff at Sunrise because that was what was recommended by Tib and also because I could see that they had all recovered and many of the other men there who were in treatment hada  light in their eyes.

Looking Inward, Making Amends, and Starting Anew

I finally got about four or five days of sobriety under my belt and started seeing things differently.  I felt better. I was eating good food and hiking and exercising.  I was making new friends who knew all about my using but didn't judge me.

Keith, Juan, Devon, Todd and the others spelled it out for me.  Getting sober is an overwhelming concept when you are in the thick of addiction, but at Sunrise it was just following the schedule and doing the next activity. 

I worked the 12-Step program and discussed my emotions with my counselor Todd.  I learned about triggers and what caused me to drinks.  I made detailed plans about how I was going to respond to situations that used to cause me to crave alcohol.  I contacted some people whom I had wronged and apologized to them.  This process was awkward to initiate but led to an outpouring of love. I got honest with myself.  ALSO, I didn't drink!

After 60 days I woke up and it was time to go home.  I cried as I watched the sunrise that morning and realized how meaningful my life had become.  I was really scared about going home but I had a bed waiting for me in the Oxford House back home (a sober living house).  As Devon gave me a ride to the airport I started thinking about how much my life had changed and I made a promise to share my story with the world.

I am now 3 years sober as of June 12th and I am an active member of alcoholics anonymous.  I attend meetings frequently and raise my hand to share my experience.  I try and introduce myself to newcomers whenever I can.  I have had relationships and managed to stay sober through the rocky parts.  Although none of them have lasted, I am making progress and I know that I am behaving myself and present for my girlfriend when she needs me (and not at the bar).

It has been a long journey back.  I owe my life to AA, but I would have never found it if it were not for Sunrise. I love you guys.

 - Richard S.